Some things in my life are so different it feels like some of those horrible things never happened. Some things are still so similar it feels like I haven't moved forward at all.
It remains that leaving school was the best thing I ever did. It should have happened sooner but to sound extremely cliche, I think it happened exactly when it was supposed to.
Recently, I have been confronted with truths of people from my past. I did a lot of damage at Elizabethtown and one of the people that received the bulk of it contacted me a couple of weeks ago. She apologized for her part in what had happened to me around the time of my hospitalization. We talked out how each of us felt, said our apologies, and slipped back into conversation like nothing had happened.
Talking to her made me realize how far I've come. I'm certainly not whole and healed. I'm not happy and shiny all the time. I may never be that person, but I don't ever give myself enough credit for all I have done, especially this last year. Outwardly, it would appear my life has completely derailed. I live at home, in a basement no less. I don't have a real full time job and I spend an obscene amount of time playing The Sims. I'm still without a degree with only 6 months to complete.
That said, all of that was necessary for me to get to where I am right now. I haven't been this close to being who I am, who I was, since before I left for college. The people in my life are here in spite of a lot of upheaval and obstacles. Of course, they were all the last people in the world I thought would still be here and that makes them even more important.
I've worked really hard to stop pushing them away, to accept their help, and embrace our bonds. Some times I still fail, but mostly I think I've improved greatly.
It is important to note that while leaning more on my friends and myself, I have required a lot less attention from romantic relationships.In fact, no attention. My relationships, my feelings for the girls in my life, were often a product of insecurity and skewed behavioral patterns. From closeted girls to girls with boyfriends to the emotionally crippled to people who had no interest in me at all. One after another, yearly.
Then after the last one, the most closeted girl yet, I decided it was time to actually take a break. I say that after each of my 'relationships' end but with everything else happening I meant it and as it turns out held up to it.
Until the other night. She was the one flirty friend I wasn't supposed to fall for. Her and I live between the lines, shameless flirting that is never addressed or acknowledged. I told myself long ago as our friendship grew that she was not an option, so I buried it. I never thought in depth about much I cared about her about how much we fit and about all those things that were unsaid.
Then, the other night, it hit me. Be it in an attempt to push her away or my need to be destructively honest, I told her. I laid it all out and was more than a little rude about it. I think people do that. It's easier to fight and run then deal with what you're actually feeling and the possibility of rejection.
But, here's the thing. She wanted some part of me too. She won't leave him and I never once thought that she would, but it was there.
This proved to me several things.
First, that no matter how hard you try and change who you are you will never succeed. I thought I could be that person who doesn't love love, who doesn't get beyond vulnerable when feelings are involved. I thought I didn't need it and if I ignored it would go away. It never works and I should stop putting effort into trying. Love and feelings for others have shaped my life. Being that way is part of who I am. That will never change.
Second, that my romantic feelings for people don't have to come from a place of destruction and mental illness. It can come from a true appreciation of the other person and a closeness to another person without me being insane. Yes, this has been messy, but ultimately as I sit here writing this, I'm okay. I'm not falling apart, I'm not destroying relationships around me because of it. That is a huge step for me and it proves that I'm getting closer. Closer to whatever the hell it is I've always been looking for in that department.
It doesn't have to be the end of the world is my point. It doesn't have to be my priority. Being with her would be an honor and intense and wonderfully real. However, I'm okay regardless. I'm glass-half-full girl about it. Maybe we'll stay friends, maybe we won't. We can't unring the bell and I've decided I don't want to. The feelings I let myself realize are just the truth. I would have done a lot more damage keeping it to myself.
I have my friends, I have my crazy family, and I have this crazy hope. It has been coming back slowly over the last year. I still struggle with it regularly but it is there. The hope that maybe I will be okay. I don't have to be scary and broken. I can be different and I do have some power and choice over brain chemicals and skewed behavioral patterns. That is my biggest success after everything.
Being confronted about my past recently, I found out yesterday that I was right about the last girl I had feelings for in that last part of my life. She had dated a former friend of mine. I'm sure she wasn't my friend anymore and the girl more than once said she had no feelings for me despite certain actions to the contrary, but it stung. The idea of her being her first girl kiss made me want to cry. I cared about that girl so much. I wanted her and I to work so badly. There was no way it could have of course and I'm not sure I would have changed any of my actions. People move on. People make choices. You aren't enough or a right fit most of the time, but you can't change it so you have to let it go. You don't need to say anymore, especially to that person, you just need to leave it alone.
This is also a tremendous step for me.
Now, remember how certain things have stayed the same to the point of feeling I have made no progress at all? Besides my new found feelings for the flirty friend I was never supposed to fall for, there are things that still weigh me down and usually count against me in life.
I exhaust myself trying to be positive in life. Think positive, be positive. Blah, blah, blah. It's good and useful but for the most part I will never be that person. There is a fine line between pessimism and realism and I still straddle that line daily.
My family is a big part of that as it has always been. I can't change them, but as the saying goes I can change how I deal with it. Boundaries are essential and that whole positive view thing really works. They are who they are, the good and the bad and I work constantly on seeing situations with them in terms of the good. There is a lot of love around me. A lot of support and passion and intelligence. We are all more similar than we should be and instead of using that as a con I try every day to use it to my advantage.
The biggest thing that still remains is my need to give them everything. My time, my energy, my life. I am my mother and I spend my life being stepped on by them at times to the point where I forget about myself and my needs. That sounds heroic and selfless when it really is just masochistic and irrational. They have their own lives and I need to stop being afraid of my limitations and letting go of that bond a little and remember that I need to do things on my own. I need a life and not to be just a sidenote in someone else's.
I'm working on it. I'm going back to school and taking my time to slowly add things to my life to challenge my limitations. I need to remember I am capable and intelligent and worthy. We as people struggle with ourselves and the first step to being a more together, confident person is realizing this.
I'll always be a lot of work. Too much has happened and certain things are beyond ingrained in me, but I have to continue to embrace some parts and move past others (even in the downswings). I have to maintain a life for myself, so that requires a little more understanding and a little more letting go.
Life is way too short and is shitty most of the time, but that's how it goes. Learn to enjoy your shit.
