Here's the thing.

I think ignoring me would have been better than your crappy, formal apology that showed me that you still cling to all that shit that makes you miserable. COOL. It also showed me that you cared even less than I thought you did. You couldn't show any emotion at all? Really? Maybe that is your way, formal and cold.

I guess it just proves this was best for everybody. I mean, at least you finally had the balls to say it, right?

Either way, if/when I forgive you I don't think I will be giving you the satisfaction of knowing it. I have learned telling people you forgive them just gives them an excuse to do the same things over and over again. Make no mistake, you messed up. You treated me poorly. I won't say that differently so it is easier for you to chew on. People don't remember things said to them politely... And, well, speaking of learning things, I am SO glad you learned so much from treating me badly. Cool, dude, cool. I wish you and him loads of fat grandchildren. 'Cause, lord knows, it will never be her. Lord knows, you will never be honest about your intentions or actions or, god forbid, your feelings. I guess I was right when I foresaw this relationship being all about you.

Prove me wrong. Go ahead. Show me.

Done being petty now... But, really, I am sick of being the bigger person. Not this time. I have done the right thing over and over and it has gotten me nowhere.  Eff it. She'll never know the difference anyway.

I think this bugs me even more because everyone in this house is miserable and broken. My whole family is this sucking void of gloom and doom. Mean, bitter, and miserable. It is near impossible to be happy here. So add a ridiculous girl and, yes, AKT is not in a place to be acting like the bigger person.

Is this all people can be? Miserable and flawed? Really? I am doing so great and trying so hard not to let people create the problems they always do for me. I am seeing a future and working towards it. I have purpose and am finally at peace with who I am and what it means to be me.

And, yet. BAM. Girls and sucking void family members. I understand life is hard. I understand people are shitty. Believe me, I have gotten that memo time and time again. But, all over? I am running out of people to cut out of my life. I am running out of ways to fight the seemingly inevitable misery.

True loneliness here I come. I mean, for real. I am going to build a house, garden and read constantly, live off Disability, rock in a rocking chair, and play with a dog I will name Florence. Life can be that simple, I truly believe. People can be happy and do the right and, damn it, I will find it.

Just not here or on the repressed campus of Elizabethtown College.

This is my future dog, Florence (called Flor or Flo). She will be the only girl I need in my life.

I am going about my day now, attempting to not be angry and sullen. Nobody is worth losing the things I have worked so hard for over this past year. No one.

Ado.