"Don't try to tell me inaction is not a crime."

Today I have officially hit the wall.

You see with my depression comes phases. There are certain things that happen in a certain order that indicate what part of the downswing I am in. Right now, I am apathetic, completely uncaring about what happens to me. This happens a couple of times during any given downswing. The only difference is this is where I can take one of two paths: the destructive behaviors path or the long, difficult right path.

As usual, it can be directly related to a girl. With this one, I have walked away. I have stood up for something with the little bit of dignity I have left. The problem? I always go back.

With her, I may be grasping at straws, but at least she's there a little bit. At least when I think of something we talked about I can text her. We can talk about her day or whatever it is she is rambling about and I can not feel so alone. I can lie to myself for a second and pretend I am more to her than she has ever said I am.

That's all I want. Someone to care. To mean something to someone.

But, see. That's where the destructive comes in. I feel that way and worthless and I miss her, so instead of being strong and fighting the depression and loneliness I text her. I fix it. I do the work because I know she won't. And there we are back at square one.

I want her in my life. I can't deny it. But, it has to be something she does. Something she makes happen.

It has to be otherwise it is just me taking the destructive path, me putting myself in a situation that will never change. A situation I have tried to change more than once.

I don't believe it is black and white. I think people can change. I think work is necessary, but I guess it shouldn't be that complicated, that difficult.

So, I guess I just have to stay strong unless she changes something.

...if only other things in my life were that simple. Grasping at straws: theme of my life all around.