"Look me in the heart and tell me that you wont go."

Here's the thing.

I don't know if it's healthy. I don't know if I am so far beyond in over my head that I cannot see the destructive situation I am in. Again. As always.

I don't know if I have feelings for her. Romantic feelings. I want to say no. But, maybe that's where some of my reactions to things came from. Maybe it would explain a whole lot.

She can't and won't do it though. So, even if I do, what would it matter? It would just lead to a destroyed friendship and another rejection speech. I know the speech. I don't need the speech again. I understand I am not the person you fall in love with. I understand I am a shoulder to cry on, just a friend.

Maybe it is just convenient to place those kinds of feelings on her... or maybe it has everything to do with her and I. Together. Despite what she told me tonight and what she thinks. I think with some commitment on her part and some getting a grip on my part it would be beyond words. I know we could have that connection. I feel its pull already.

So, is it actually deeper and personal to her or is it just me afraid to be alone?

I wish I could talk to her. I always want to talk to her. But, she has a lot going. A lot that I helped her with and she still can't even bring herself to truly notice me. Maybe that should tell me something. Maybe I should take a hint.

This whole thing feels different, but likely is the same as all the others. I don't know how to differentiate. I don't know what I want from her. I think maybe I do, but she won't help me figure it out. She won't be there steadily putting up with my shit and nursing me like I did for her. Can't or won't. I really don't know anymore.

I am not someone who doesn't know things. Especially about my own feelings. This ends tonight.