I cried for hours. The only person I had to turn to was a person who broke me before. And, she went on and on about fighting and sticking by someone because of what they mean to you, sticking by them because they are all you think about.
Without even knowing my situation specifically, she told me to fight. Fight for someone who clearly was not on the same page as me, who clearly wanted something else.
And, I'm not angry. I am not sad. I just am right now... This is the point where I obsess over what she is feeling and thinking. Is she relieved? Is she pissed? Did she wake this morning and see I had unfriended her and feel oddly happy?
With me gone, there will be no one to push her. Seemingly no problems. She will be half-honest and fight for someone who doesn't or can't care about her. She will get hurt. More...and she will do nothing to stop it.
So, how can I fight for someone who won't even fight for herself let alone me?
I want her. I realized recently that I want her more than I originally thought. But, after everything that happened yesterday, she was still talking about herself, her relationship, her problems. It wasn't about me and it certainly wasn't about us. As usual.
And, you know. She is right on one level. She can be friends or more with anyone she wants. However, she spent months telling me that is not what she wanted. That she wanted something better. And, now she is home and it is hard and she is bringing them all back. She will get sucked in and things will not change for her. After everything between us, everything I said and did, she chose them...and maybe she should have. Maybe easier is better. I mean, look at me. I have nothing. My family is it. No friends or partners. Just me. Maybe that is the only way to be if you don't want to be alone. A lie, sure, but at least it's there. That is the message I get from all sides.
She couldn't do it and I should have gotten that hint a long time ago. The signs were there that they were what she wanted and I didn't listen. My confidant last night called me pessimistic, but that couldn't be further from the truth here.
She said she wanted us both. Those people (the girl included) and me. She said they shaped her too. But, I couldn't help but think of all of those times when she said she wasn't happy, how she looked back with regret and pain on her life. Is the person she was what she wants to be? She spent months telling me it wasn't. But, I guess people don't change. And, more importantly, don't want to.
I don't know how to feel. Right now, I'm numb. I know more bad is coming. It always does. I have done this a million times. But, despite the advice I got last night, you can't sacrifice yourself in a relationship. People come and go and all you have is you. Others are there temporary and the goal is to find someone on the same page. I used to think like her: love so much at all costs. But, it isn't healthy. It will cause more damage to you and the other person in the long run. I have seen it. Maybe it works for their relationship and most relationships (although I don't think it does). But, for me. Sacrificing everything is not an option. I would be willing to give. If she wanted to just have the friends and not the girl, I might be more willing. But, the way it stands, I cannot in good conscious let her drag me along while she gets hurt again.
Hopefully, she won't. Hopefully, she will get everything she wants. Despite my anger and pain, I want that for her. Because I care. More than anyone has ever cared about her before. I adore her.
Her and I are not an option because we are not even close to being on the same page. She is taking a million steps backyards and that is fine if that is what she really wants. Though, honestly, I don't think it is... I can't wait for her to be something she obviously isn't. That will just hurt us both. A little bit of progress does not make it worth it.
So, it is back to being just me. Alone here... it was enough before her and it will be enough again. I am not going to say "maybe one day it will come" because I am done looking. I didn't even want her to happen. But, now, I will be even less apt to fight or fall for someone. To let them in. For awhile, I am done and that is probably for the best.
Live deliberately. Chose your path and stick to it. Do what is best for you and the people you value. Be aware of how you feel and what you want so not to drag people along or hurt them unnecessarily. Be honest because it is the best medicine... Despite all that has happened, I will continue to live my life like that. For better or worse.
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