Here's the thing, life.

I have been good at exactly one thing my whole life. I've cared about exactly one thing my whole life... People. They're what I do. They drive me and infuriate me. They make me want to make the world a better place... Or they did.

I still spend my days watching shows and movies about characters who fight for what is right and save the world despite what it costs them. I relate(d) to that. I have all these ideals and values that seem to be so rare.

It's why I wanted to be a social worker. Social work at its core is about helping people, about studying human behavior and making things better for people who can't help themselves.

My whole life, since I was little, I have only truly dreamt of becoming one thing: a social worker. I didn't always have a name for it, but it was the only thing that made sense to me. I mean, everything is pretty pointless, so at least if I had to go to work 40 hours a week I would be doing a little something that meant more than being an accountant or a cashier.

Now? I am convinced social work is exactly what I don't need. Whereas people are my greatest driving force and human nature is the topic most on my mind, the idea of working the rest of my life in a profession that lends itself entirely to people, to focusing on everything that is wrong in the world, is making unable to breathe.

I am laying awake always, worrying and thinking and trying to piece together why people do what they do. People are capable of so much, but it seems no matter what that poor choices prevail. I could work everyday for forever and it would not make a difference. So, let's face it, a job that is a constant reminder of that?

Over the last couple of years, it has been proven over and over again that I can't function. Currently, anytime I leave my basement, my home, and have to interact with other humans I get depressed for days. I have to sleep and hide until the after effects of all the lying, two-facedness, and just WORK leaves me enough to get up and shower and eat.

How can I expect to spend my life focusing on the one thing I can't stand? But then, on the other hand, what if people and social work are truly the only skill set I pocess?

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move forward, how to change everything I have ever thought I wanted.

I'm crying, sitting here unable to sleep AGAIN. I can't breathe. Literally. My chest feels like everything is laying right on top of it and I feel like I could be attacked at any minute.

I don't know how to feel better right now, but more than anything I have this overwhelming feeling that the last thing in the world I need is more people, to work in a job that focuses entirely on people and everything wrong with them.

Scared is an understatement and I just want to breathe.