Mostly, Valentine's Day makes me angry or just indifferent. My entire life I have been a second choice. I have been that person who people go to when what they really want isn't working out.
I'm actually sitting here smiling right now thinking about it. I mean, literally every "relationship" I have had has basically been a series of girls leading me into something they will never give me.
Me reading into things? Their confusion? Who knows. A general rule in life: It takes two.
The best thing I can equate it to is that movie Good Luck Chuck with Dane Cook. The movie is about this guy who has the ability to bring others together. Every time he sleeps with someone they end up marrying the love of their lives.
Well, that right there is my life. Only instead of really attractive famous people having sex, it is me falling for a girl who I have a very rocky relationship of some kind with and then one thing leads to another and she is gone and I am broken and some time later I have to see and hear about her and some great love she is experiencing. A love she wasn't interested in or capable of with me.
I play the "bigger person" card and smile and be congratulatory for the most part. But, really, it eats me up. My whole life I have never felt good enough and as I have recently discovered my girls represent my bigger problems. And they all represent that. Maybe I pick them out special. Or maybe they are getting something out of it and that is the bigger point to it all.
Either way. It is a sick joke, universe, and you should really knock it off.
So, instead of thinking about what I have missed out on, failed at, or just in general been overlooked for, I choose to look forward.
I choose to put forth this list of what I want and what I think I need at this moment in my life. I am not actively seeking it out currently, but I know that I need to stop settling. I need to stop thinking I deserve the situations I have had in the past. Bright Eyes, I no longer want to work for a paycheck. I WILL wait to win the lottery. I will know that feeling again, just you watch.
What love should and should not be by Amanda K. Tracey:
- It should not be about hiding or about just simply avoiding loneliness. Both people should have an overwhelming interest in the other person, who they are and what they believe in. They should look at each other and grin because the other person makes them fill with adoration. Most of my feelings for others haven't come from that place, but the times it has, trust me, it is the best feeling. (Really, being alone is not the worst thing in the world.)
- It should be as close to equal as possible. Gay people have it right. Lovers should be PARTNERS. Giving and taking as equally as possible. Time, effort, emotion, etc. There are always power differentials in relationships but they should be addressed and worked into the relationship as much as possible.
- Love is comfort.
- Your love really is the first person you think of when you wake up and the last person you see in your head before you sleep.
- People say love is work. It is everyday... I have had a love where it wasn't hard. It wasn't a choice. She was the person I wanted to tell my best and worst news. No matter how annoyed we got with each other over everyday things, we were best friends first and foremost. We knew each other so well not even the work of words was needed, just a look. (I would be lying if I said I didn't still long for that one.)
- One word: compromise.. But, in a good way. If it hurts or makes you question who you are or what you are doing, it isn't right.
- Above all, love should build you up. Any kind of relationship should make you want to strive to be the best person you can be, the most honest person you can be. You should feel more like you with that person than anyone else. Love should make you want to stop all those destructive behavioral patterns we humans all have (even if you never ultimately do). Love should make you create; it should make your respective worlds a better place, not a worse one.
I've had it before, so I know it can exist. I am just waiting for it again. Waiting to feel safe in that weird way love makes you feel safe. I have often feared I am not worth it, that there is a reason all of those people ultimately didn't want me.
But, the truth is. Doesn't everyone deserve it? I think most people are just afraid to ask for it.
That has never been a problem of mine. I will continue to ask for it no matter how many people I scare away and hope that maybe one day what I'm asking for won't be too much for someone. Instead, I will relinquish control, embrace situations for what they are, and maybe it will be just enough. Maybe I will be.
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