I just started listening to something I found on my iPod, a band called A Fine Frenzy. I'm pretty sure it was something a girl gave me, the last girl if I recall. I would text her and tell her good job, but, well, no.
It's time. To address the issues at hand, the large, life-changing events that have taken place over the last few weeks.
I was drowning. I was slipping back into that place I never wanted to be again. I didn't get out of bed or function or care that any of it was happening.
And then Texas came and my brother's graduation and I remember feeling so happy to just be living for my family. I was there with them and I didn't need to feel crazy or wrong for loving and living intensely. We laughed so hard and were so filled with love and pride for each other.
Of course, there, in the hotel room the night before we were to see my brother for the first time since he left for basic, we get the call from the nursing home. My pap had been dying for years. He lived the last several years of his life only using a small portion of his heart. He beat the odds time and again, so I thought the call was the same thing, change in meds or a psychotic episode.
But, then my mom said the words that stopped my heart, "When did it happen?"
She started to cry...and, shockingly so did I. I never thought it would touch me, never thought I would feel it like I did. Then we called Dennis. And Granny. God, Granny. They had been together for 50 years. As dysfunctional as they were together they were all they had. They truly were made for each other.
Lindsay didn't react really, despite how close she was to him. She had spent her early years living with Pap and Granny, so I thought she would be a mess, but I really think she was just beyond at that point.
We couldn't smoke inside the hotel, so there we all three sat, on the curb outside of our first floor room, crying. My mother and sister were smoking and we were all barefooted. He was gone and we had to tell Jake in the morning.
It's been a few weeks now and it has gotten easier. I remember him now and get sad sometimes, but also happy. Happy that I got to know him and happy that I visited him so much. He really was an interesting man, to say the least. It's hardest on Mom and Granny, but they are working through it.
Also in Texas, I got several calls/texts from people with some more of the most devastating news. A friend of mine, Ari, had been killed in a car accident. A violent, fiery accident that killed her instantly. She had been heading home from seeing her boyfriend at Penn State.
Her and I were not best friends, but we spent a lot of time together because of our close mutual friends. She helped me make sure they didn't get in too much trouble. She lived close to me too, which bonded us.
People do this thing when others die, where they talk about all the good things and claim that the person had no bad, but in Ari's case it was as close to true as any person could get. She was so genuine and that smile. I didn't even know her as well as some and still I could tell how much she loved life.
I found myself jealous of her, not for what had happened to her, but for the love of life she had. She had a passion and purpose and genuinely loved this life. I envied that about her, even in death.
It made me realize that we are not guaranteed any amount of time on this planet. None of us know if we will have a tomorrow let alone a year or two. It made me realize that I didn't know what I was doing at college anymore. I had been so miserable for so long there and for what? A degree society says I need but that doesn't guarantee me a job after everything anyway?
Yes, I was only a semester and a half away, but the idea of staying literally made me sick to my stomach. I wasn't getting out of bed. I believed and still do now that I was wasting that time that I had recently realized was so valuable.
There were really only a few people who understood, a few very interesting ones in fact. But, I didn't care. I made a choice and for better or worse I signed the papers and left that Thursday.
People's biggest question if they have checked up on me via text is: Do you regret it?
No. As of yet, I do not have any regrets about leaving Elizabethtown College. My life now is simpler. I work odd jobs and live by my schedule. I can help my mom and the rest of my family in ways I couldn't while I was splitting my time between there and here. And if it changes? I can go back. The social work department thinks I am a great social worker and if that passion I used to have for it ever returns I will be welcomed back with open arms.
I always bought in to that idea of "something more." You went to college because no matter how bad it was in the moment it was supposed to lead to some place greater. But, life isn't about the end. Life is about what you do to get there. Life is about living.
No more hiding or sticking it out.
For better or worse, I have to try. I have to do everything within my power to make a life I can live with.
Step one, check.
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