You see, for my birthday, I went home. I went home to see my mom and visit my grandparents. I went home because the thought of spending my 21st birthday even near a college campus made me want to vomit.
While I was there, I literally had moments of joy that almost brought tears to my eyes. Reading the letters from my brother, the love of my mother, or visiting with my grandfather. Incredible, life-affirming things.
But, then I get back here and all anyone can talk about is how much they have to read, how much they have to do. Yes, in society a college degree is important, but not as important as growing as a person or nurturing human relationships. One class, one assignment is not the end of the world. In fact, in the scheme of things it is barely a dot on the map.
Except I am the only one that sees it this way. I'm sure that there are others, but those I have surrounded myself with are in the camp of the high strung. It makes me feel different and wrong and I don't like that feeling one bit.
People have different views sure, but when you are the one on the outside that fact seems irrelevant.
On top of that, I just feel pretty unappreciated. Unloved, I guess? I don't have many people in the my life anymore, but those I do have still make me feel wrong. I really feel used and disconnected and it is making me act out in ways I don't like.
I'm clinging to inappropriate people and ignoring some of my coping mechanism. This does not a sane Amanda make.
But, I breathe and keep trudging. I hope it will subside and that once again I can be okay.
I mean, I'm not NOT okay. I could just be better.
Always strive to be better, I say.
^ I am Marlin.
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