"Something has got to give, 'cause I can't keep waiting to live."

Stagnation is not a friend of mine. Feeling stuck may just be the worst feeling ever. I mean, rejection and failure I can do like a pro. Working hard and doing well without effort, BAM. Handled.

But, this constant never-changing miserable existence around here is just not something I can deal with.

Even when things are beyond shitty, even when I'm messing up or failing, at least I'm doing SOMETHING. It's like college. I feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel like I'm waiting to start a life.

I am a firm believer in just going out and doing the things you want. It is one of the reasons every girl I have been attracted to has known how I feel. And, I want to go after all of my plans so badly. I am even trying to rearrange the house and make changes because that is better than nothing at all. But, I don't have the money to live. I don't have the resources and I grow more and more bitter about that everyday.

Most people I have ever met, my family especially, has been just fine in the misery. They complain and complain and do nothing about the lives they have created and now refuse to rectify. No work to change behaviors or situations. Everything remains the same. That is human beings for you.

Then, I get on her blog and look at how she is talking about how she will repair friendships and clarify things. And, I am annoyed because despite all I tried to do, all I did, I will not be on that list for her. I don't even know if I want her there, but it is the principle of the thing. Am I really that invisible? Do I truly affect that little? She makes me think, "What's the point?" As usual, she (and those girls before her) examplify my problems. Look to the most recent "her" and you will find the answers to AKT, examples of her current problems with life.

Believe it or not though, I am still fighting so hard not to let the misery here get to me, but I am losing more and more everyday. I never realized all of those years how unhappy I was being here, how so many of my problems were from being around this constant sucking void of despair.

I don't want the juvenile crap of Elizabethtown and I don't want the misery and stagnation of home. I want a life of my own making, for better or worse. Maybe it won't work, but at least I will have done something, tried. That is more than I can say for most people who float around not thinking about life or what they truly want.

I have this vision and these ideas and I just hope that they can be worked towards and achieved. This really cannot be it.