"Words you won't use, you don't feel them like I do."

I'm in this weird state. A little bit of discontent, mixed with a general feeling of okay.

There are things I hate in this world. People and the way they behave, our inate inability to think of no one but ourselves. I come home every weekend to avoid the 20 year old nonsense I would have to endore if I stayed up in Elizabethtown all the time. My peers and everything they do are the epitome of everything that brings me down in this world.

But, overall, I've come to this place, after all I've been through this last year, where it's all something I have almost come to terms with not being able to control. I'm almost learning to not try and control people. I'm trying to not let humans affect me like they do. It's up to them what they do. I'm not going to change them. I can only change me.

This thought brings both my greatest joy and my greatest sadness. You see, humans are my thing. On one hand, not caring about them as much, not being with them as much, is freeing. I am free to live in my own head. Be who I am and not have to explain, do the things I love, and feel the things I feel without misunderstanding.

But (isn't there always a but?), realizing that humans will likely never be better is also one of the driving factors of what landed me in the hospital recently. I believe with everything I am that humans can be and do so much. We have so much potential inside of us. A potential that I feel many people never let themselves live up to. People don't like to hear the truth. They don't want to change. They want things to go smoothly. And, in order for them to do that a lot of the time they have to lie to themselves.

Well, to me, that's awful and everyday I make a conscious effort in whatever way I can to not live my life like that. I think people can be better than that. Better than the self-servingness. Better than the drinking. Better than the poor decisions we all ultimately make.

I don't know. Maybe I'm way off...and maybe I'll always be disappointed. But, for now, I'm going to attempt to not expect too much. Though, I am not giving up hope that maybe someone, somewhere will one day show me the good side of what human beings can be.